February 20, 2018
So, in the article about my suicide (I, the one who nearly commited suicide), I described in quite some detail how it ended up like that, what were the circumstances, etc. And today, I would like to tell you how I asked for help.
It happened about a month before I started to plan my suicide. I felt absolutely horrible. And basically the only thing I did at that time was watching Youtube videos, where they talked about depression, suicide and just about every kind of mental illnesses.
They were all sorts of videos, but they had one thing in common. In all of them, they were over and over speaking about how important it is to ask for help. That if we think, we have a problem, we should definitely tell someone. A friend, our parents, siblings, someone at school, our aunt, uncle... Anyone. At first I ignored it. I thought, how could I tell anyone? I'm not even sure I have a problem. It's probably just in my head...
But because I kept hearing it over, and over, I started to think - maybe I should tell someone... But then came the biggest problem. How. There are a few huge problems with telling someone. Firstly, you have to admit to yourself, that you actually have a problem. That is very hard, because in reality, you have no way of knowing, whether you really have a problem. Of course, you can see some symptoms. I mean, thats how you probably started to suspect, that something is wrong. But there's this annoying voice, that keeps telling you, that there's nothing wrong with you. And it's not meant to soothe you. No, what it really wants is to stop you from getting help, and for you to feel even more shitty, than you already are. It will tell you that you're being melodramatic, hysteric, that you're just trying to find an excuse, for not getting out of bed, for being too lazy. For not cleaning your room, for not getting shit done, for not being able to study, to go out with friends, to be nice to everybody... And this voice is convincing you, that you're the bad guy here. It's the voice of the mental illness. And it will do everything in it's power, to stop you from getting the help you need.
Now, I'm talking about different "voices" but by that I don't mean voices regarding the split personality disorder. I just want to make that clear. I'm talking about, how people talk to themselves.
Because I didn't have the slightest idea of how should I tell my parents, I dropped it for a while.
But then, after some time during one period when I felt shitty again - an idea struck me: What if I started writing a diary? (Note: This isn't the first time I came up with this, but usually I gave up after a few sentences.) So I wrote and wrote and wrote. Words kept pouring out of me and when I look at it now, I don't see some words written by a crazy young teen. I see it as the truth. All those feelings were exactly how I felt back then. Here are two examples from my diary just so you get the idea:
...I don't want and hate the game - "Who's gonna die next?" But it's all around me. Will it be grandma, grandpa, who are old? Or our cat? Dog? Hm? Any bets? ...
It's a monster. Huge monster, which always sits on my shoulder and whispers hateful words to me. Sometimes I manage to shake it off me. Sometimes I turn my head and see that it's not as big as I thought it was. But usually that's not the case. Before I didn't even notice it and I thought that those words it whispered to me were my actual thoughts and feelings...
Those are just a few examples, I actually wrote whole 27 small pages from both sides.
And now, while I was in the middle of writing a thought came about what would my parents think about the things I'm writing in my diary. At first I brushed it off as a silly idea, but after a while it suddenly didn't sound so bad after all. I really wanted to confess to someone. But I knew I wouldn't be able to formulate my thoughts into spoken words. So the diary was just the perfect opportunity.
So I did it. I gave them the diary and went to a different room, so I wouldn't have to watch their reaction. Those moments were the worst moments of my life. I was going over everything I wrote in there and thought about how they're going to react to it.
And then it was over. We talked it over and we agreed that I need professional help. So I did it! I asked for help! But of course, this was only the begining... The first step towards getting help. The worst was yet to come. But then, it has to always become worse before it gets better, right?
Now, I don't know the right way to confess to someone. It really depends on your personality and the people around you. In the best case scenerio you have a loving and understanding family and a lot of great friends on which you can rely on. But lets be real, this is rarely the case. I personally have great parents. Though they aren't perfect, they care for me very much a help me in every way. But I know that a lot of people just can't talk to their parents about this. So what to do in that case? Something that sounds really appealing to me is an aunt. If you have one, and she's good to talk to, that seems for me a great way to get help. Then, if you have friends, who you trust, confess to them. Just be aware of the fact that they may have some ideas that aren't really good for you - so talk to them, let them encourage you, but always try to consult an adult before doing something they recommended you. Then there is a school counselor - also a good choice - they are professionals and you don't have to travel anywhere or pay for anything. If nothing mentioned above for some reason didn't really appeal to you, don't fret! You always have free emergency helplines, online anonymous psychological websites were there are (although not in all of them) professionals answering to your questions, etc.
And of course in the worst case-scenerio when everything else fails, there is good-old emergency line (it is different in different countries, for example the 911). Call it if you're about to commit suicide - take it as your last resort - your goodbyes to the world, tell them what you're about to do and how. And I pray, that if it ever comes to that situation, they will be able to help you.
In future articles I plan to go more into detail about different ways to get help if you're suicidal or otherwise have mental health issues. But for today it has to do. If you're feeling suicidal and really don't feel like doing anything I mentioned above, feel free to write us either on FB, in the comments, or on one of our emails. We are here for you! Enjoy the rest of your day!
February 13, 2018
As a child, I used to draw, by pencil, sometimes by crayons. I grasped paint and a paintbrush from time to time too. People around who saw my pictures, kept repeating me how much talented I’m, how much I’m gifted. I never really believed them. I have always seen mistakes in my artwork, my pathological perfectionism made me too see them. There were smaller and bigger errors, most of them were negligible, however, in my eyes even the smallest flaw seemed like the catastrophe.
At the age of 13, I slowly began to stop with art. I got OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, a mental illness which completely buried my joy of drawing. What this disease actually stands for? People who suffer from it fight with concrete, often irrational fear and intrusive thoughts which are commonly accompanied by actions. One is, for instance, afraid that his house will be robbed; especially in that case they won’t check if the door is locked. Obsessive thoughts whisper to their ear: “Look if it’s really closed. You have already done it? Then do it again. What if you don’t look once more and then burglars will come…?” The person finally succumbs to the internal pressure and recheck the door again, once, twice, sometimes twenty times, hundred times… The fear and obsessions shake with them just as a strong wind plays with blades of grass.
I’m not one of those who verify whether they locked the door. I’m haunted by intense worry that I could potentially mess up the picture I’m working on, that it’s not good enough, that my pencil strokes aren’t as precise, quality, well-done as they should be. I’m still returning to them, I endlessly correct them, rub out them, remake them… At the same time, I’m terrified of every line I have to draw next, I’m afraid I’ll do a flaw. Drawing feels like a battlefield than, fear takes place in my mind instead of joy.
The time, I was able to finish a picture, continually grew with the onset of my disorder. At the beginning I draw for days, then for weeks, moths, finally I spent almost a year on one picture without any exaggeration. I was losing the battle. I started to be utterly defeated. Eventually, I said goodbye to artwork forever.
At least I thought it was forever. The thing is, I got the desire to fight again recently. The memories of times when I used to love drawing kicked in and I suddenly wanted to hold a pencil together with a piece of paper again. Formerly, I tended to draw according to a model but then I blamed myself that my picture wasn’t an exact copy of the template. And do it with an absolute accuracy, it is… to be honest… impossible. That’s why I decided to outwit my OCD and perfectionism. I got into drawing without models!
Firstly it came to my mind I could capture my inner feelings on the paper. You know, it’s freeing to get them out of oneself and sometimes it’s much easier to express them by the picture than by words. That’s the reason why I drew 2 demons as a metaphorical illustration of bipolar disorder which I suffer from. The finished work was subsequently published here on the blog.
I began with the second picture right away the first one was completed. I managed to accomplish it with a week. It depicts 2 jumping dolphins in the sea in, it represents a connection between abstraction and realistic drawing. You’ll see for yourself… I’m adding the picture to this blog post. I think I have made much better works in my life, yet I believe I should appreciate myself. Despite the fear which accompanied me when I was drawing, despite the moments when I wanted to stop with the whole work immediately, when I wanted to let the picture incomplete, despite this all I finally finished the image in a relatively short time. What’s more, I’m returning back to artwork after years, I have to get used to a pencil in my hand again.
And you know what, I realized one thing. There isn’t any better or worse work, there’s just work which is liked by more or fewer people. I actually don’t understand why it took me so long to come to this conclusion. I can be unsatisfied with my picture but my mum, grandma, and grandpa like it. That’s why it already has a certain value. And even though nobody liked it, it would still have this opportunity inside that one day it may be pretty in someone’s eyes.
This realization won’t magically get me rid of my perfectionism and OCD but even though it brings me a significant relief, a small encouragement, small but extremely important.
Understand, I want to go on drawing. I want to try it again and again. I want to become a drawer and I used to be. Therefore I must keep my determination. And that’s something a little uplift is definitely needed for. :)
February 5, 2018
I’m sitting on the bad with a brown blanket thrown over me. The blanket has sleeves; actual sleeves which make a kind of hybrid between a classic quilt and a bathrobe form it. I’m leaning against a pillow shaped like chubby, soft, deep red heart. There’s my dear feline friend lying on my legs and, a bit bellow, my second cat, Thea, is sleeping calmly. I would almost miss out the fact that, besides the mentioned blanket, I’m covered by thick eiderdown with light-green sheet decorated with big white flowers. Perhaps they are daisies. The computer I’m writing on is placed in my lab.
I’m feeling warm, it’s hot here. I don’t care about it that much, I’m not thinking about it. Thoughts concerning wholly different stuff fly through my head. There’s a pile of them. My brain suggests a highway full of cars. They are passing each other without looking at all the vehicles next to them; they are barreling at an incredible speed through the countryside. My thoughts look just like these cares. They are speeding like a lightning somewhere in my head, they are furious, rapid, one’s shouting down the other. If thoughts shined in a color, then my mind would be a rainbow.
I’m not into anything. In spite of it, I have to, indeed I’m forced to, carry out at least some activity, no matter how negligible it is. I have to write for instance. Not because someone’s asked me to do that, that’s my own brain who doesn’t let me take a break for a while. The surplus energy which constantly accumulates and accumulates in my body simply has to go out somehow. I can let it flow by writing which serves probably as the best vent for me. Other options exist too, there’s for example drawing or reading of The Little Prince which I’ve held in my hands a hundred times, but even though, the beautiful story of the pilot and the child that he met in the desert one day, still impresses me. In the state of emergency when I’m completely unable to concentrate on anything form that, making puzzles, considerably false singing or aimless walking in the room back and forth still remains. The most important thing consists in releasing that inner tension, that wave of energy that almost suffocates me by its mightiness. Nothing of that is any special after all; I’m bipolar, I have a mixed episode of bipolar disorder.
I feel like I’m chosen to get this world rid of discrimination and injustice because I’m one of the few who do see any discrimination and injustice at all. I’m also one of the few who is not indifferent toward this stuff. I want to fight for better tomorrow. It seems to me I can. Sometimes I feel like the whole world lies at my feet, I’m sure I’ll become a writer, a scientist and an artist, that I’ll definitely overcome all difficulties on my journey. And then, out of nowhere, I get the unpleasant painful feeling I’m just a mistake of nature, a genetic fault. I’m haunted by an intrusive touch of all overlapping vain and pointlessness. I would rather the universe didn’t exist that live in the universe which neither doesn’t have any sense nor we, as people with limited abilities, can’t ever find it out. Everything, the whole world, bothers me. Everybody makes me angry, including myself.
My head is often so full of various thoughts and feeling that I almost can’t speak. It’s like having a gate inside which all these thoughts are trying to get outside by. However, they stay stuck in the door in the final consequence, unable to move so they can’t be pronounced.
February 2, 2018
Dear readers, greetings to you all. If you’ve read our blog posts for a certain time, then you may know I have focused on so-called sensory processing disorders in many articles. I’ve wanted to close this series by the last post I shared, however, thanks to you, concretely thanks to the discussion with some of you on Facebook, I realized we have one more, very interesting sense, which can be also affected by this disorder and which would be a pity not to mention. We’re speaking about the perception of time, co-called chronoception.
Our ability to register what time has passed or understanding concepts such as the future, the presence or the past could, according to many experts, be included among human senses. If we think about it for a while, we come to the conclusion this is quite a logical thing. Time must be perceived or “felt” somehow too, just like the odors are recorded through smell and the light is registered with the help of sight.
What happens if your brain judge time intervals atypically? More or less two options open in front of us. Let’s explore them together and find out how they actually manifest themselves.
So, what is the first variation of the disorder? We can be hypersensitive, in other words too much sensitive, toward the perception of time. In that case we orientate in time intervals so well that our abilities seem almost magically incredible. For example, we are able to wonderfully estimate, what time it is without our eyes falling on the clock. If we have for instance half an hour to complete the task, we are able to plan our work perfectly, because we have that inner sense which makes us feel how many minutes have left. In rare cases, people living with this condition are able to determine time with an absolute accuracy. They may tell us it’s e.g. 15.35 without any need to look at a clock and they are correct. Their abilities seem almost supernatural to us then.
On the other end, there is something called hyposensitivity, or simply small or reduced sensitivity, towards chronoception. If we are endowed with it then we just and simply lack a certain sense for time. Let’s make the whole concept clearer with the help of a simple example. Our bodies are made up of small particles called atoms. We are composed of them, one and all. We know it, we can even observe them under the microscope but we never feel them. It goes the same with time. If we suffer from hyposensitivity towards chronoception, we are rationally aware of the fact that time exists and constantly runs, we measure it by clocks, yet we cannot really feel it despite everything.
So how does the lack of sensitivity manifest itself in everyday life? We are usually sure only about what is now. All future events tend to fall into one category for us. What’s the reason? Terms like sooner or later don’t tell us much by the rule. The celebration taking place in 2 days and the holiday we’re going to after the half year, they both just disappear somewhere in the future moments. It’s basically the same when we look at past. The performance we participated in when we attended kindergarten and the shopping in the shopping center we undertook yesterday, both we perceive basically just as the instants of the past. Even past and future mix up together for some of us. We do not sense the difference between yesterday and tomorrow, last week and a week ahead. Every event is just an event; we don’t perceive it’s time sequence. In our memories there are things that had happened before jumbled with moments which came after them. So, in our head, a sort of non-chronological network of memories on events is being generated. We’re unable to judge if we washed dishes first or if we vacuumed the carpet earlier. We often deal with a certain trouble to meet deadlines. The reason is quite clear; we simply can’t estimate how much days or minutes remain. Sometimes in the contrary, we finish ahead of time because again we aren’t able to plan out minutes or hours properly.
Have you found yourself in the mentioned examples? If you have, maybe you’ve just received an explanation for your life difficulties. In that case you’re unsure whether this all applies to you, I would recommend you to take a small quick test. Turn on the stopwatch, close your eyes and try to guess how long it takes for a minute to pass. If you hit the target with a tolerance of about 15 or 20 seconds, your chronoception probably meets the norm, of course in that case you aren’t guessing completely. If you deviate more significantly, something might be wrong. It can also happen that you estimate these 60 second with an absolute precision. Then you chronoception may be above average.
In that case you deal with troubles linked to the perception of time on a daily basis, they can cause you substantial unpleasantness. Let’s try to ease our life by a few helpful strategies which we can use whenever we need. Always wear a watch so we have something to lean on if we start to be confused by time. Let’s do everything rather in advance to reduce the risk of missing an important deadline. Write all the events on a calendar or our mobile phone. Then we will see what happened on any given day and what is waiting for us in the future. This graphic representation will help us to realize how all these events go in a row, which of them happened earlier, where is future, where is past. Don’t be afraid to invent your own coping mechanisms too. We could find a ton of them. Hopefully, some will actually help us!
Do you feel like I’ve just described the problem you deal with the whole life? Does your loved one experience something similar? Would you like to share your thoughts and opinions? Write us in the comment section below. We’re here for you!
January 29, 2018
Dear readers, welcome to the brand-new post, the last part of the series concerning a variety of sensory procession disorders. Today we will look together what happens if our brain exhibits certain difficulties with interpreting and subsequent regulating signals coming through nerve pathways from internal organs.
The question may enter your mind at this point: „Where is the link between body organs and sensory sensations? The answer is simple. Besides well-known external senses such as sight or hearing that we all are familiar with, each person is also endowed with a varied set of inner senses. Information from them is provided by so-called interoceptors, in the similar ways as taste calls provide taste perception. In contrast, however, they are distributed within the organs and constantly inform us of their current state. For instance, they let us know how full or empty our bladder is.
Interoceptors located inside of our bodies are specific for every organ. If internal regulation disorder affects us, it usually doesn’t impact all body systems. However, no matter which parts of our body are influenced by the condition, its principle stays still the same. Our brain just and simply misinterprets information sent by inner receptors of any given organ.
In that case we looked for it, numerous manifestations of the disorder described here could be found, if only because of the number of body systems one has. Together we will try to explore at least the most frequent, the most important and, last but not least, the most interesting ones of them.
Let’s start with the already mentioned bladder and sensory disturbances connected to it. If it comes about the wrong evaluation of signals received from interoceptors, 2 options open up in practice. Either we exhibit a very poor judgment when we already need to pee, many times we don’t notice at all because we simply don’t feel the necessary sensation signalizing our bladder is full, or we always feel like going to the toilet. But, our perception doesn’t correspond to reality at all. It’s quite possible we spent 10 times more time in the bathroom than we actually have to. Kids suffering from the first of two mentioned forms of the disorder usually wet themselves frequently regardless the age. Problems of similar nature, however, sometimes persist even in adulthood.
Not too different problems can occur with stool excretion. Either we don’t feel the time to defecate has come or the urge to the toilet haunts us constantly. Just as in the previous case, here too, kids, who experience difficulties recognizing when they have to go to the bathroom, don’t make without diapers for long.
In some of us, the disorder can cause the absence of thirst and hunger. We simply don’t recognize the characteristic sensations which the majority of people is forced to take a glass of water or prepare a good meal by. So it happens that we hold without eating for days and don’t notice at all. We are able to stay without water for a significant amount of time as well. The lack of liquids is often brought to our attention by completely dry cracked lips and dehydrated heavy tongue. In contrast, other people have to deal with persistent hunger, constant thirst or both of them. If this is our case, we probably experience significant distress every day. We also tend to overeat and overdrink which is usually accompanied by health problems linked to obesity and excessive water intake. In certain people a sudden, uncontrollable alternation of states of thirst with the complete absence of that feeling occurs, no matter how much we drank. For hunger, it goes mostly the same. There are also folks living among us whose sensory disturbance doesn’t allow them to feel full. This leads to an endless cycle of eating and eating in an effort to get rid of the insistent feeling of emptiness in their stomach.
Some people don’t have any or just a small appetite due to the discussed disorder. In others, it causes enduring strong, sometimes almost insatiable, appetite.
Let’s also look at a regulation of body temperature, more specifically, how it can be influenced by out sensory condition. The brain of those, who live with this variation of the disorder, overreacts or under-reacts to outside environment. Then our inner, body temperature rises more than it ought to in hot weather and falls more than it ought to in cold weather. The second option is obvious. Our temperature almost doesn’t change due to the influence of the surroundings.
The perception of our heart rate can be affected as well. Either we are still super aware of our pulse or we don’t sense it even when our heart expressly beats.
The heart muscle of some of us, indeed, beats too fast already during the minimal load. On the other hand, it lasts longer than it should to our body until it returns to the normal pulse frequency.
The same goes for breath. Even with little physical or mental stress, it accelerates rapidly and it takes a long time to calm down again.
So there are some of the dozens of symptoms of internal regulation disorder. If you found yourself in a significant number of them and you don’t have any better explanation for your difficulties; e. g. if your lack of appetite isn’t caused by other, mental or physical, illness, then you may suffer from this condition.
I myself am almost sure some of its signs perfectly fit me. For instance, I never feel hungry and thirst kicks in for me after about 2 days without receiving fluids in that case I’m not too physically active. This all serves as the reason why I can imagine very well how this disorder affects people’s lives.
If we are recognizing the symptoms of the condition in ourselves, let's try to create a list of coping strategies which will help us in our everyday life in the future. If we, for example, don’t feel thirst, let’s set notifications on our mobile phone that will look after our drinking regime to a large extent instead of us. In that case we are constantly hungry, let’s eat rather the whole day in small portions than trying to endure without food and later overeat compulsively. If we know we react atypically to temperature, let’s modify our clothes. There are many options… Don’t hesitate to show how much creative you are and come with your brand-new methods how to ease your life. It definitely pays off!
January 25, 2018
Dear readers, in that case you’ve been following our blog for some time, you might remember a certain series of articles concerning manifold forms of sensory processing disorder. What does it mean? I simply write about divergences in an evaluation of signals coming to our brain from various senses. I would like to pick up the threads of this series by today’s article. This time, we will together look beneath the surface of little-known, yet no very rare, disorder, proprioceptive hyposensitivity.
The word proprioception stands for a less known sense which ensures the perception of our body and its components in space. That’s the reason why we can for example touch our nose tip with closed eyes; we “sense” where it’s located without the need of seeing it directly. However, the brain of certain people isn’t able to process proprioceptive stimuli in the right way. If it’s our case, then we may suffer from proprioceptive hypersensitivity, which we described in the previous article, or proprioceptive hyposensitivity that we’re going to focus on now.
First of all, let’s outline the main symptoms of this condition to better understand it.
Living as a person hyposensitive towards proprioceptive stimulation practically means we partly or completely lack the natural ability to sense where our body is placed. We are often very awkward and we poorly estimate the distance for this reason. Dressing up can be a huge problem for us, concretely in childhood, because we don’t feel exactly where our limbs are. Then it’s logically more than difficult to hit the hand into the sleeve. Similar troubles can obviously persist in adulthood, even though they usually tend to subside. Since we go through difficulties perceiving where we actually are in the space, we basically constantly experience sensory deprivation to certain degree. In other words, our brain incessantly lacks the information about the position of the compounds of our body towards each other as well as towards its surroundings. This just described deficit of inputs causes us a load of unpleasant feelings which we try to escape from by adding extra proprioceptive experiences. For instance, the tendency to bite our fingernails, to rub our fingers or to compress different parts of the body, all in order to realize properly where e.g. our already mentioned fingers may be, can overtake us. We often enjoy tooth-brushing a lot for it provides us the needed proprioceptive stimulation. In your childhood years we frequently jump, bump into things on purpose, intentionally fall or chew the end of a pencil, alternatively the edges of sleeves. If our kid suffers from this disorder, they may be able to spend hours and hours jumping on a trampoline; they possibly often engage in a messy play, destroy their toys or they may be unable to assess how much force to use while manipulating with objects. The difficulty in determining how big power we should apply for specific activities, we have as adult too, after all. We frequently break a glass or a dish by an accident. The reason is simple; we just grab it in a wrong way, too tightly or too gently. We also usually struggle to estimate how much pressure to invest into writing or drawing. Then, we write too hard, sometimes to such a degree we even rip the paper or too light that the text is hardly legible. Last but not least, we love bear hugs and tight closing; both significantly help us too feel our body.
Here are some basic sign of our disorder. In that case you’ve find yourself in the majority of them, the real chance you’re living with this condition your whole life exists. They symptoms of proprioceptive hyposensitivity can be annoying, sometimes extremely unpleasant. If we’re struggling with it, it’s substantially beneficial to create our own set of coping strategies that make life easier to us at least a little. Close-fitting clothes have the power to help in our everyday existence. It enables us to feel where our legs, hands and basically all parts of our body are. Remember, tight stockings or undershirts can always be worn under the classic clothing. If we need to boost proprioceptive stimulation inside our mouth, let's buy a bunch of chewing gums and then take them out as soon as we feel the need. Another possible coping strategy can be the purchase of a so-called weighted blanket. It’s actually a common blanket; the only difference consists in its weight. It’s, as the name suggests, much heavier than any regular cover. In addition to the necessary sensory inputs, it alleviate anxiety and reduce sleeping issues very well for certain people.
What to say in conclusion? Be creative in finding your own ways how to ease sensory deprivation. Don’t hesitate at all. Jump on the trampoline and don’t care about your age, if it helps you with your disorder. Everybody has a right to a pleasant life where their needs are fulfilled as much as possible!
Have you found yourself in the signs of proprioceptive hyposensitivity? Do you know somebody showing these symptoms? Have you learnt something new by reading the article? Provide us with your feedback in the comment section bellow. Don’t forget, we’re here for you!
January 19, 2018
Dear readers, I’m warmly greeting you on our blog. This time, I’ve prepared an article for you that differs from all the other posts which have ever occurred on this website. It is an attempt to symbolically describe bipolar disorder, which I have been struggling with especially in the last few weeks, albeit with the persistent and insistent feeling of losing this struggle. In this short text waiting for you to read, I’m trying to capture how I feel my illness inside, how it would look like if I had drawn it on a piece of paper, how it interferes with my daily life… However, enough talk. I would rather wish you to enjoy the article at this place.
Always, wherever I go, wherever I am, the two demons hug me. One of them is all blue, with eyes full of insane excitement, excitement for taking control of me. The second demon, the gray one, that one which is sometimes even black and wild as a fierce storm, still cries. His tears flow into my into the depths of my soul and, like a poison, kill all the joy. These demons are brothers, more preciously Siamese twins. They’re merged with the lower parts of their bodies and they cannot be separated under any circumstances.
Their sibling coexistence isn’t the most ideal one, all because of the insatiable desire for power. They often compete with each other; one of them wants to break away from the second one to get the iconic unlimited power over me. They fight like that frequently, so often that they sometimes even forget about my existence and leave me alone, just for the purpose of overpowering their sibling. Other times one of them is temporarily wining and immediately taking control, sometimes for days, sometimes for months. The second, defeated, brother just stands by, sick and weak. However, they are a pair of conjoined twins after all. The reign is exhausting for the dominant demon and the straight which slowly and continually decreases because of his dogged effort to maintain the power, quietly enters his companion, tired from a previous battle, until he gets enough energy that he overthrows his twin. That fight is endless, exhausting and tiring. So, once in time, demons realize its pointlessness. Over and above, sibling love awakes somewhere deep inside of them, they want to put an end to this infinite warfare. They unite forces and create a ruling coalition. They both control me, one destroys my joy and all the rests of my interests by his tears, the other charges my by energy in the form of bright lightning flashing into my body. That energy doesn’t give me a space to take a deep breath for a moment; it brings hurricanes of thoughts into my head, it clouds my mind by anger, sometimes makes my bend in fits of laughter, while the second demon whispers in my me ear how useless, broken and miserable I actually am.
You could ask the question why they do that. You know, they feed on my emotions. The more extreme they are, the better they eat. But I’m starving, more and more day by day. I’m withering away, slowly dying without anybody noticing it. My two parasites cause me unbearable pain and torture, especially when they work hand in hand. And I’m slowly getting t the edge of my abilities. I’ll free myself from them by death, I’ll die and they will die because no parasite can survive without its host. Ending up with life appears as the only escape route. Why not to embark on that journey? Because it’s socially unacceptable? Because I would hurt those who love me? You know, the crying demon have already convinced me that I’m actually a burden for everyone around.
An attempt to display my demons with crayons on a sheet of paper.
January 8, 2018
It’s said that if a human touches the bottom, they can bounce from it and rise upwards. But where is the bottom? What if we never reach the lowest point, because there’s nothing like that? It may be always possible to sink even deeper, no matter how deep we are.
I would like to fall to the bottom and then start going up, but instead of it I’m just falling and the bottom is not in sight. Human pain can escalate endlessly, just as joy can be infinitely big. Rage can also acquire infinity dimensions. But any endlessness isn’t so large that we couldn’t find another, even larger, infinity. It was discovered by mathematicians already a long time ago. It’s not actually so complicated.
From this perspective, emotions are just like numbers, they also don’t know any borders or bottoms. They end nowhere; they can endlessly expand and stretch to the infinity. It’s infinitely terrifying.
June 2, 2017
Dear readers, let me introduce a new informative article, this time concerning proprioceptive hypersensitivity. This condition is a form of sensory processing disorder. The affected sense in then called proprioception.
What does that unfamiliarly sounding word actually mean? As we explained in the previous article called Senses, we aren’t limited just by sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste. In fact, we perceive reality also by additional senses and one of them is our above mentioned proprioception. This sense is responsible for perceiving where our body and its parts are in the space without using our vision. Let’s make it clearer with the help of an easy test. Try to touch your big toe without looking at your leg. Most likely, you haven’t had any problem doing it. It basically demonstrates that we somehow “feel” where our body is also in those cases where our vision isn’t involved at all. Propriception is represented by exactly that feeling.
Sometimes it can happen that our brain doesn’t process proprioceptive stimuli correctly. Then, we may suffer from so called propriceptive hypersensitivity, the condition we're going to discuss now.
Let’s write down the main symptoms to make the whole concept clearer.
The disorder basically lies in the fact we are over responsive towards proprioceptive inputs. In other words, we’re extremely aware where our body is, so aware that it causes many troubles. We constantly feel the position of our arms or legs, we feel how much hunched our back is or to which side our body is deviated. Most of the body positions are uncomfortable for us because we just and simply feel our body too much. We’re also almost unable to get used to our position if it’s not pleasant. Therefore we frequently change the way how we sit, lie or stay. We often sit restlessly, constantly moving our legs and re-sitting again and again. We also toss and turn in the bad to find the right sleeping position for a long time. Sometimes, we may hold odd positions because they seem to us more comfortable than the conventional ones. We might also engage in odd movements like twisting our hands or hand flapping to get rid of unpleasant feelings. In addition, we're super aware of every movement we make. Together with extreme awareness of where our body is in space, it can lead to feeling of instability while walking or running and to insecurity in movement. In some cases, we can feel like trapped in our body and too limited by its boundaries. It may literally feel like our body is too small for us.
These are the most important signs of our condition. If you can see yourself in many of them, you might be hypersensitive toward proprioceptin. Living with such a condition can be challenging. That’s why it’s important to come up with some copping strategies which can make our lives more comfortable. Firstly, don’t hesitate to make our own set of movements which makes us feel better. Don’t be worry to engage in strange positions as well. Also try some relaxation techniques or for example yoga exercise which can loosen our body so the tension caused by the feeling our body is too small may get milder.
I myself don’t suffer from this condition but I can clearly imagine how frustrating it can get. Never push yourself behind your boundaries and always try make yourself comfortable!
Do you believe this disorder may fit on you or anyone you know? Do you have any questions or notes? Would you like to share your opinion? Write us in the comment section bellow. Don’t forget, we’re here for you!
May 29, 2017
Greetings, dear readers. Today it’s time to share with you my story. As you may already know from the previous articles here, I spent approximately 5 weeks in the psych ward in your capital, Prague. Some of you have maybe noticed as well that I had been in another psych ward before that, in the town called Brno. You can read about that in the article About us which we wrote long time ago. I was placed into the children’s department in both cases. However, what was the exact reason of my hospitalization? Why did I need the hospital at all?
I have been probably suffering from certain mental health issues almost since my birth. However, my mental state became significantly worse after joining grammar school with a tendency to slowly regress. It’s difficult to say what exactly caused it. Maybe it was just natural and continual development of all the stuff. Everything could be caused by an increased workload which grammar school puts on its students. The truth is that my pathological perfectionism made me learn so much that it wasn’t healthy at all. I entirely disturbed my sleeping routine because of learning. It wasn’t anything rare that I went to sleep after 2 a.m. because I had an obtrusive feeling that I don’t understand the subject matter, which we were writing a test from the next day, enough. School was basically bringing me constant stress, intensified by the fact that schooling didn’t make even the smallest sense to me. Finally I fundamentally learned to hate school as a whole.
However, the exact reason of the deterioration of my state isn’t essential. Most likely, it even isn’t just one clearly determined cause but rather interplay of several factors. Anyway, the thing is I started to suffer from depression much more frequently than before.
At this place, I should probably explain what does the word depression actually mean. It definitely doesn’t signify 2-days-lasting bad mood or anything we could just get rid of by watching a funny movie or by going out. We’re speaking here about a mental illness characterized by distinctly low mood which typically manifests itself in persistent sadness, irritability or a feeling of emptiness. The disease also causes the lost of interests, increased or decreased appetite, insomnia or oversleeping, overall slowdown or acceleration, tiredness, the lost of energy and a problem with concentration and decision making. Last but not least, it leads to feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness, inappropriate guilt and to suicidal thoughts, in 10% of cases even to a suicide itself. It’s important to note that the symptoms must last at least 14 days in a row.
I myself am not able to experience sadness very well. That’s perhaps the reason why my depressive episodes always expressed themselves rather as irritability and a consuming feeling of emptiness. I was also always caught by the lost of interest. I just suddenly realized that there’s no single thing in this world which would make me happy. It felt like the life left everything around and I was walking in the center of the dead world. I usually struggled to fall asleep while depressed but when I was already sleeping I slept for a very long time, such a 12 hours. I always lost most of my appetite, I was slowed down and constantly tired. Starting which any activity became an incredible deal for me. When my depression deepened I was almost unable to speak. Every word was so arduous for me that I was rather staying silent. What’s more, I was constantly afflicted by feelings of gilt. I perpetually overplayed my mistakes in my head like a movie while blaming myself. I strenuously struggled with obsessive thoughts repeating me how incompetent and useless I’m, how I’m just a burden for everybody, how it would be the best for all people around if I wasn’t here at all… The world always seemed to me as a painfully vain place and my situation looked like absolutely desperate and hopeless. I was experiencing strong suicidal thoughts every time as well. I saw hope, the way how to finally end up with all the infinity pain of soul in the death by my own hand. Moreover, depression convinced me quite successfully that I’m not worth living at all.
The periods, when depression avoided me, were still less and less frequent as well as shorter and shorter. I often felt very irritable, full of energy and anger in this meantime. I always noticed the need to change this world, make huge things or fight against the stupidity, ignorance and injustice growing in me. My head was full of ideas like I was suddenly able to think in a light and easy way. I spoke a lot, still criticizing things around. I got permanently involved in completely useless arguments as well. From time to time, I was swallowed by a fit of euphoria when the whole world seemed to me as the most amazing place we can ever imagine. It never lasted for a long time, maximally for a few days. Then I usually switched into my inappropriately irritable mood or into depression.
I didn’t consider my states outside of depression as anything important back then. I just and simply thought it’s just me, the way how I’m. In addition, I was accompanied by quite unpleasant anxiety most of the time which I was unable to work with.
In October 2016, a 3-months-lasting depressive episode started for me. It was stronger than any other episode before. I was balancing on the border of the ability of functioning at school, finally even on the border of the ability to get myself to school. I already truly needed a help that time. My parents finally ordered me to a psychiatrist, however, the waiting time 3 months turned out to be too long.
In December of the same year, short time before the Christmas, I suddenly experienced a few-days-lasting euphoric spurt, in the middle of the depressive episode. I can remember very well how I went to buy Christmas gifts in that state. I ran across the entire town during 2 hours, which is a huge speed for me, I bought 2 presents for everybody, I was saying hello to strangers on the street, I was smiling at everybody who crossed me by and I was passionate about speaking with sellers in the shops. Nothing of that isn’t typical or standard for an introverted autistic person, who I’m, at all.
Unfortunately, after a sharp rise, a painful fall followed. I came down into deep depression very quickly, unable to function. I felt defeated. I experienced a clear happiness for a while, I felt like on the top of the world, and then, out of nowhere, I found myself deep down. My suicidal thoughts became uncontrollable. I experienced a strong urge to end up with everything. Thoughts how to do it raised though my head. I saw myself lying on the track waiting for a train… I wasn’t sure at all what I’m going to do in the next few hours. I told my parent that I can’t go on anymore…
The next day they were taking me into the psychiatry crisis center in Brno where the doctor told me that my state requires hospitalization. Even though I subconsciously counted with that eventuality, I was absolutely shocked. Nevertheless, I agreed.
That’s how I got to the psych ward for the first time. Unfortunately, the doctors there didn’t help me at all. I was released in an absolutely desperate state while another hospitalization in Prague was pre-arranged.
Today I have finally determined diagnosis, established medication and a mood closer to the norm. I experienced many not very pleasant things, however, everything seems to go just right nowadays. It looks like a good ending of the story, doesn’t it?
Are you interested in what was going on in the psych ward in Brno? Wait for the next article. If you have any questions or notes, write us in the comment section bellow. Finally, keep in mind, we’re here for you!